Everything You Knew is Wrong

I thought I’d throw that Colbert graphic in there to lighten the mood of this post a bit, because this post isn’t pretty.

…I don’t think that I can in good conscience stay Catholic.

I’m feeling very dark and abandoned by the church and most of all by God. I feel unwelcome in the Church, racked by doubt, and very alone. I haven’t been to Mass in about six weeks and I can’t rustle up the will to go.

“Maybe if you went to Mass more often, you’d get a job offer!” my mom chirped over the weekend.

I don’t think that’s how it works even if there is a God.

I think that deep down, I’m an atheist with morals informed by a Catholic upbringing and my innate obsessive scrupulousness. Maybe I was in denial during my initial reversion; craving God and wanting to find a community of people who think about sex and family the way I do.

Prayers seem to just echo in my head. Going to Mass just seems like it would be empty.

I have to go to confession before I receive communion again, because I follow the rules even when I’m not sure anyone is enforcing them.

I don’t like feeling this empty and alone, but maybe that’s how it always will be.

I’ve been job-hunting and interviewing lately.  My employment situation is rather precarious and I am waiting to hear back about some interviews that would improve my life significantly.

Please pray for me, and put in a good word with St. Catherine of Alexandria and St. Thomas More.

I had a busy and incredibly stressful day that ended with overnighting some items to a friend who has traveled cross-country to be with her mother as she dies. I haven’t been able to afford gas, and as I merged on to the interstate, my car began to slow down and shudder a bit. Empty tank.

“Please,” I prayed. “Get me through this, get me to the next exit and a gas station.”

“Nah,” God replied. “You need a firm lesson on planning ahead and taking basic care of yourself before you put yourself out for others. Plus, you didn’t make it to Mass today.” The car slowed down and shuddered to a stop as I pulled over.