The De-Deification of the American Joanscape
I thought I’d throw that Colbert graphic in there to lighten the mood of this post a bit, because this post isn’t pretty.
…I don’t think that I can in good conscience stay Catholic.
I’m feeling very dark and abandoned by the church and most of all by God. I feel unwelcome in the Church, racked by doubt, and very alone. I haven’t been to Mass in about six weeks and I can’t rustle up the will to go.
“Maybe if you went to Mass more often, you’d get a job offer!” my mom chirped over the weekend.
I don’t think that’s how it works even if there is a God.
I think that deep down, I’m an atheist with morals informed by a Catholic upbringing and my innate obsessive scrupulousness. Maybe I was in denial during my initial reversion; craving God and wanting to find a community of people who think about sex and family the way I do.
Prayers seem to just echo in my head. Going to Mass just seems like it would be empty.
I have to go to confession before I receive communion again, because I follow the rules even when I’m not sure anyone is enforcing them.
I don’t like feeling this empty and alone, but maybe that’s how it always will be.
John said,
November 14, 2007 at 10:42 am
“The damned of hell suffer eternal punishment because they experiment with the loss of God. In my own soul, I feel the terrible pain of this loss. I feel that God does not want me, that God is not God and that he does not really exist.”
People thought “my faith, my hope and my love are overflowing and that my intimacy with God and union with his will fill my heart. If only they knew”.
Sound familiar?
Jen B said,
November 14, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Dark Night of the Soul.
It’s easier to say then do, but trust God. You will come back stronger from this.
Matt said,
November 14, 2007 at 7:48 pm
I agree with what Jen has said, this is a Dark Night for you.
We could go a couple of rounds in debate, and shatter atheistic thoughts thoroughly, but I suspect that it is not necessary.
Whatever you are going through will pass.
John said,
November 15, 2007 at 12:07 am
Sorry, but to say “it will pass” is a platitude that means little to someone experiencing such tribulations. It might not “pass” so quickly. Read Teresa’s book and you will see that it’s not just a small matter. The important thing to remember is the promise.
Peter Halabu said,
November 15, 2007 at 5:44 am
NO! I do not think that you should simply be content with the fact that you’re in a “dark night” and just live with it. I had somewhat of the same thing a few weeks ago, and going on a retreat helped me to find some interior space I could hear God in. But that might not work for you.
It sounds to me like you’ve just been “doing” for a while, and suddenly you’ve looked up and realized that there’s no One you’ve been “doing” towards. You need to take some time and listen for Him. When was the last time you felt in conversation with God? Or Mary? Or your guardian angel? Can you try to go to that place again?
If Mass isn’t doing it for you… I don’t know what to tell you. I guess I would say that it’s better to live as a Christian until you’re sure that there’s no God. But I would also say: don’t go to Confession and Mass with the mindset that you’re fulfilling an obligation. They’re sacraments because they have God in them. So go to them instead in search of God. Run after Him and cry out to Him constantly, daily.
And once you’ve done that and gotten no response, once you’ve radiated out your love to Him (and I think that means trying to see Him in other people too) and gotten nothing back at all… then I would say to let it go. If there is a God (and I firmly believe there is), it may actually be His will that you lapse once again, if only to bring you back with a love that is truly on fire for Him. In the mean time - I will pray for you.
With Much Love -
Peter Halabu
P.S. I think it would also be very healthy for you to go on a no-Church-politics diet, at least for the foreseeable future, and perhaps indefinitely. How can it help to spend time moralizing over other people’s wanderings from Christ, when you don’t notice yourself falling off the path? It’s just one more thing cluttering up that “interior space” you need to use to talk to God. Trust me - it helps a lot to just let it go. God bless you.
tiber jumper said,
December 13, 2007 at 12:48 am
My prayers are for you tonite
Rae said,
December 16, 2007 at 3:28 am
I have no advice, but–like the “tiber jumper” up above–I’ll think of you, and pray for you. Hang in there!
Jon said,
January 26, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Hello,
I read your post addressing the subject of feeling abandoned by God on Catholic Defenders of Faith, which led me to your profile and onto your blog.
I hope your fairing better. And, I hope you’ve been able to attend Mass.
I read in some of your postings that you were having issues that were preventing you from attending Mass. I also read your post on your blog regarding Numbers 119. I trust that God was providing you with what you need even if you’re not understanding it.
Numbers 11:9 At night, when the dew fell upon the camp, the manna also fell.
As you stated in your post, the passage seems to not be terribly moving, however, I’m in agreement with the commentary on the subject provided by Ruth Anne.
What you’re seeking is to be fed spiritually just as the Israelites complained for food, Numbers 11:6 ..But now we are famished; we see nothing before us but this manna.” .
God is telling you that what you desire he is providing in the form of the Eucharist.
However, just as the Israelites complained that they weren’t being satisfied by the manna, you’ve expressed that you’re not being satisfied by the Mass.
God is telling YOU that he is providing you what you need. He’s answered your prayers. He went so far as to sear the image in your brain!!!
You’ve been blessed with God communicating to you directly, however, you complain that you don’t get it and if God really exists why doesn’t he just explain it to me a little better.
God has not abandoned you. God loves you. He went so far as to tell you what you need (the Eucharist!). Just consider the fate of the Israelites who complained that all they had to eat was manna.
Don’t abandon the Eucharist.
If you are in need of spiritual support and enrichment I highly recommend the Cursillo Movement. I’m sure if you look to your Diocese website there will be information on Cursillo and who to contact.
Your brother in Christ, Jon